My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”
Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.
I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv
Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
If u ever think ur stupid just know that one time a guy asked me what my “attachment style” was and I didn’t know what that meant so I said “PDF if it’s over email I hate when people send it as a word doc”
IRL
I was Today Years Old when I find out Labelle are singing “Creole Lady Marmalade” NOT “Be your Lady Marmalade”.
Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
Nepobaby? Why, yes, I am, my father was Prom and Homecoming King in a town of 300, I can still get a discount at the local Ace Hardware if Steve is working.
I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars
Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.