My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.