Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
Have you ever considered, that if there is a God, same sex attraction was created to prevent the overpopulation of unloved children? I have.
I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.