As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Ok, but like, how married are you?