I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
I was up all night reading about insomnia
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.