Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
My mom is downstairs with my husband asking him if his co-workers are “fun” and “cute”. He’s miserable and I’m crying laughing. #BadWife
Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.
I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.
I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.