Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
Elderly woman at bus stop just said my son was “beautiful.” UM STEP OFF PERVERT UR LIKE 40x HIS AGE cc: @LAPD
Babe, you’re just perfect for me
Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man