Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.