Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.
What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?
What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.
As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.
40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.
Hot singles in your area!
They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”
Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.
I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv
Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
If u ever think ur stupid just know that one time a guy asked me what my “attachment style” was and I didn’t know what that meant so I said “PDF if it’s over email I hate when people send it as a word doc”