Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.
Me: Could I plz continue watching the thing I was watching the last time I was on here
Hulu: Sure! ….if you can find it 😏
Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed. Shame, as this morning I did about 9
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs
i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”Me – *fast forwards to the end*
I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
I don’t even have a calendar anymore, I just go to my guys group chat and write “Tuesdays am I right fellas” and if nobody says “you said it brother” then I know it’s not Tuesday
I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.
Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.
At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.