[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.
As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.
40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.
Hot singles in your area!
They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”
Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.
I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv
Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
If u ever think ur stupid just know that one time a guy asked me what my “attachment style” was and I didn’t know what that meant so I said “PDF if it’s over email I hate when people send it as a word doc”
IRL
I was Today Years Old when I find out Labelle are singing “Creole Lady Marmalade” NOT “Be your Lady Marmalade”.
Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.