When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
I was up all night reading about insomnia