I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.