giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang
I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.
So I was sitting in a recliner in my underwear, watching a movie, eating ice cream and Doritos minding my own business and freaking Walmart calls the cops!
It’s not often I get to relive my youth, but today one of the guys at the gym said he drank so much protein shake he felt sick so I said he got wheysted and then he stuffed me into a locker.
I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
Every time I have to get a new driver’s license it is impossible for me to achieve. I cannot collect four documents with my name on it. I simply cannot!!! I don’t know where any are. I will drive you over to my house and show you my stuff to prove I live there and can drive.
It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now
Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.
[polygraph test]
Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Committed, or been caught?
Tester: …
Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.
*needle goes crazy*
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
Just looked up my son’s search history.
Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.
there’s a trend I’m seeing on TikTok rn of women in their 20s and 30s starting ballet “for their mental health” and as a former ballerina…….. i am experiencing some real dramatic irony here
My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.
He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.
Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
”Found unresponsive” is the new “discovered unconscious.” But it still means the same thing. You can’t handle your Chardonnay, Janice