If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.
commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart
If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.
Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush
i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.
Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.
You can see some absolutely disgusting and terrifying things in the subway. I once saw a guy order marinara sauce on his 6” tuna sub.
When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.
Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.
I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.
He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”