i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone
My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
How did we decide to go with cockpit?
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.
Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?
Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT’S AN EMERGENCY OK
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang
I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.