We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa
My 12yo busted into our room with a Nerf gun. She made eye contact with her dad and really went for it. My husband was sitting with our 6yo. He immediately turned into a force field to protect her. I have so much respect for that man because I would’ve used our 6yo as a shield.
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]
People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.
A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?
“This is a raw berry!”
(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.
Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly
I called a chai latte a “chatte,” and my husband laughed and said that was “actually funny,” and it’s nice to have him finally recognize my genius.