When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.
I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.
Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.
They say you become what you hate and so I am terrified I’m going to become a young, vibrant beautiful man who’s loathful life is full of undeserved luck and success.
Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.
Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.
13-year-old: I need cool clothes.
Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.
13: That’s the problem
Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card
suddenly remembered my high school production of hamlet where the drama teacher decided that the only actor with the gravitas to play claudius was…. himself
the cast was 15 teenagers and a man in his 40s with a highlighted pompadour, dark wash denim, and a silver skull ring.
he taught us drama alright.
Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms
got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite
Just learned that land on earth was covered in moss for 40 million years. Imagine getting to one million years of just moss thinking that you gotta be done with moss any day now and then you learn it’s 39 million more years of moss
I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.