Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death
Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing
“Any drugs or alcohol, sir?”
“No thanks. Getting those things from a cop seems awfully setup-ish.”
I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.
It said..
FINAL NOTICE
Amazon thinks my recent furnace filter purchase was merely the inaugural move in newfound hobby of furnace filter collecting.
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
Hallmark movie writer’s room:
“Alright, let’s get started.”
(4 minutes later)
“OK, that’s a wrap on 27 movies, good job everyone.”
I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day
My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”
I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.
When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.
I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”