The 5 Most Important Films (and the Life Lessons They Teach)
1. Armageddon (space is scary)
2. Jaws (the ocean is scary)
3. Terminator 2 (the future is scary)
4. My Girl (bees are scary)
5. Weekend at Bernie’s (putting sunglasses on a corpse and taking him jet-skiing is fun!)
Timothy Chalamet as Willy Wonka is interesting. On one hand he looks like he’s never actually had chocolate before and on the other he does look like he would enjoy killing children in creative ways while wearing a goofy outfit.
Gmail search is amazing. You can search something like “flight sacramento receipt 2023” and it will somehow manage to serve up literally every email in your inbox that isn’t the receipt for the flight you just took to Sacramento.
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
“Shake your money maker”
Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*
My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent
My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.
My son meets his online girlfriend today, so here’s to hoping she’s the anime loving e-girl of his dreams and not some guy named Steve.
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.
“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”
I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
During a meditation session
Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.
Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.