What I was warned about as a kid:
*Strangers in vans
*Gum taking seven years to digest
*QuicksandWhat I wasn’t warned about as a kid:
*Arguing with a computer that I’m not a robot
*Being sad when my favorite spatula breaks
*Meeting a “pickleball influencer”
I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”
Well played, well played!
Our Alexa flashes every time we get an Amazon delivery, which is why there are 200 teens at the door thinking we’re throwing a rave.
In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball
Sorry I bit you I was just checking whether you were cake or not
Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.
[God creating humans]
God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc
Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?
God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol
my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
When I was a kid, I got mad at my brother and told him people whose names start with J don’t go to heaven, and my mom just looked at me and said, “Jesus”.
Found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe it’s been a whole year.
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.
Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.