You call it Witness Protection, I call it Hide and Seek.
This isn’t going to end well for you.
– me, alone in the house, to the loaf of banana bread on the counter
anywhere a walkable city if u broke enough
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty dissapointed in them ever since though.
Why my dad got his bald friend contact saved as “Head” in his phone
caveman: can I use some of that fire?
caveman who invented it: why?
caveman: im gonna burn glorg house down
caveman who invented it: no that’s arson
Taze me once, shame on you; taze me twice, I’ve snuck back into the zoo
Apparently someone’s been stealing patrol dogs.
Police say they have several leads
#Police
Therapist accidentally sent me her cat
When squirrels chase each other around a tree it reminds me of being at the mall in seventh grade.
Rudolph with your nose so bright/help me find my phone tonight
when I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume.
Work is just a series of conversations reminding people of when you tried to talk to them about what they’re now surprised about