Stop looking for the perfect match.
Use a lighter.
I believe it was the great and ancient philosophers who once foretold a most wise and accurate existential statement that transcends all time and space: I fuck around, therefore I find out.
To the guy who invented zero, thanks for nothing
Remember story of man who phoned work to say he couldn’t get in as there was a Cat on top his car
Employer said
Well shift the bloody Cat & get to work
The Cat was one those CAT tractor type vehicles & atop his car
😂
I’m trying to eat healthily but there’s still so much cheese in the fridge. And it’s illegal to throw cheese away. Not sure what to do.
I guess I’m going to have to eat the cheese.
Yes. I am now actively eating the cheese.
Ok can we all agree that we can’t have a 51st state? That would totally throw off the stars on the flag. We need to add like 5 states at once
Please be aware that while my posts are largely based on true events, some have had squirrels added for dramatic purposes.
Husband: Why can’t you ever be serious?
Me: *olives on all my fingers* Because olive you
“Condescending?” Who put that word into your pretty little head?
I have a spider bite in my ear, which brings up the even more disturbing point: there was a spider in my ear
9 out of 10 zoo dentists refuse to treat grizzly bears unless it’s been given a STRONG anesthetic, proving true the old adage that…
There’s safety in numb-bears.
mice after a breakup be like “we are not on squeaking terms”
I’ve planned our wedding to fall on the day of the Oasis concert, knowing that some family members, that we don’t want at the wedding, have got tickets. So, they’ll be invited, but they’ll have to decline and they’ll be frowned on, as they’re missing a wedding for Oasis
everyone on this flight out of Philly was relying on the guy who shelled out for in flight wifi to periodically announce the score on the eagles game like the town crier in a midsized medieval village
Sometimes I spell my name (bob) backwards just to see who’s paying attention.