If I had The Force I’d just use it to open pistachios
[boss pulling me aside after the meeting]: I need you to quit calling me “m’lord”
Can you imagine… an archeologist… sweeping their house… with that tiny little broom
sorry i didn’t text back i was on tiktok watching a movie in 137 separate parts
I wore scrubs to Target and a woman asked me if her eye looked infected so I did what any doctor’s office would do. I asked her when her last period was and then I weighed her
I should be able to make a divorce registry at Target.
beginning to understand why deer throw themselves in front of cars
feeling melancholy. think I’ll have a drink and make things much worse
m&m’s call their smallest pack the “fun size”. Sorry, that’s not fun. A 3 lb bag would be a lot more fun
I stepped away from Twitter for a few days, and now my entire house is decluttered, I’ve written a novel, I learned to speak a new language, and came close to finding out the true meaning of life.
[fills dirty pan with water] I’m just gonna let this soak for an hour or 6 years.
-husbands everywhere
Overheard:
“You like Dragon Ball? Who’s your favorite character?”
“Um… Steve. Steve Dragonball.”
don’t never drink and drive. drive high.
