My child just threatened to never watch tv again and I can’t decide if he’s really bad or really good at threats.
Secret admirer got a raise! Finally, decent chocolates.
[Person about to invent vaping] I wish this mango smoothie was on fire.
turning a backwards chair forwards and sitting down normally to let my students know I have no interest in relating to them
You know the hurricane is serious when even SpongeBob and Gary are evacuating
Me waiting for the signs to change to “up to 75% off” at the Party City store that’s closing by our house.
Disney: okay i guess we’ll close the parks but ONLY because it’s above a category 3
Might start signing off emails with ‘well I hope you’re happy’
All soups are gazpacho if you’re lazy enough
When I was a kid I had to walk to Netflix.
Reoccurring dreams be like
‘I dunno, here’s a rerun’
The vampire myth probably started with a really bad hickey
Waffles are just pancakes with abs.
Vampire: How did you find me?!
Me: We waited outside all night for you to get back
Vampire: So it was a stakeout
Me: lmao
Vampire: lmaoooo
Tickling is the most absurd bodily function.
Here, let me use feathers to completely incapacitate you.