The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.
I didn’t answer the door when my neighbor knocked because I didn’t feel like it, but then they started having a whole gathering outside and now I have to pretend I’m not home for probably another 2-3 hours.
I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
There is a football player named Drew Sample?
He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.
sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory
Why are sports teams named after animals? Why can’t it be the Atlanta Cherry Blossoms… or the Denver Lettuce Wraps.. ?
Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?
the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling
I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants
There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking
My seven year old just said, “I kinda want to experience being a dad but I kinda don’t want to get married” Should I ask him more questions.