[God creating humans]
God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc
Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?
God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol
my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
When I was a kid, I got mad at my brother and told him people whose names start with J don’t go to heaven, and my mom just looked at me and said, “Jesus”.
Found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe it’s been a whole year.
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.
Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
After speaking with the psychiatrist, I’ve learned that “hungry” is in fact NOT an emotion. So I’m in the market for a new psychiatrist.
CHRISTMAS FACT:
Baby Jesus actually received two blocks of gold on his birth, making him the first child in history to have an Au pair.
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister
Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)