No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.
I didn’t answer the door when my neighbor knocked because I didn’t feel like it, but then they started having a whole gathering outside and now I have to pretend I’m not home for probably another 2-3 hours.
I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
There is a football player named Drew Sample?
He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.
sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory
Why are sports teams named after animals? Why can’t it be the Atlanta Cherry Blossoms… or the Denver Lettuce Wraps.. ?
Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?
the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling
I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants
There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking