If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.
I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
I think being an anxiety/antisocial person would save me in most horror movie scenarios.
I don’t answer my phone or my door, I’m rarely out after 7 pm, and if I hear a weird noise, I ignore it as its none of my business.
But…I do like antiques, haunted trinkets would get me.
I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.
Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.
What happens if you fight a dinosaur?
You get Jurasskicked!
Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.