Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.
I don’t wish anyone strife in their relationship but i do wish my neighbors would enunciate a little more when they fight so i can hear better.
(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you
My husband just walked into the living room and saw me chilling on the couch, then went back into his office… and suddenly I hear him telling his gaming friends “Hannah is begging me to go hang out with her, sorry guys I gotta go now”
I am my husband’s “my mom said no” 💀😂💀😂
A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.
I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.
London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse
Amazon: Based on your purchases we think you’ll love this.
Me: First of all how dare you attack me with this accuracy I need a large please.
One of the hardest things I’ve ever done as a parent is hold back crying laughter while telling my kid not to refer to Aquaman as Seaman.
The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am
I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.
You know where I’d like to go?
Missing
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island