My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.
Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.
You can see some absolutely disgusting and terrifying things in the subway. I once saw a guy order marinara sauce on his 6” tuna sub.
When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.
Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.
I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.
He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”
Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up
Me: oh honey…you have no idea
Did my fruit just move?
Pear-anormal activity
Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with
God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.
*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
Drive as I say, not as I drive.
my fitness device congratulated me on “playing ice hockey” and told me i burned 300 calories over the past 20 minutes.
i was eating a Wendy’s baconator.