Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.
It’s dress up day tomorrow at daughter’s school. Vikings. One of her more eccentric friends – who likes to think outside the box – is going as an oar
[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does
I received a sibling discount when kid number two got braces today. Kid two said I should give her a cut since she “saved” me $200. I told her she actually cost me $5,000. She said, “Yeah, but not $5,200
The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.
I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.
me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted
My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying
If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.
airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover