Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what’s your location
me: i’m in the cockpit
control tower: i mean where is the airplane
me: mainly behind me
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.
Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.
Me: (seeing 16 walk into house shivering in short sleeve shirt) When you left the house, you were wearing your new hoodie. Where is it?
16: She didn’t bring a jacket. She was cold. She’ll just give it back to me tomorrow. Why are you laughing?
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.
Me *chatting up another mom at the playground*: What an adorable name for a boy!
Her: Thanks. We named him after our favorite water bottle company
Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name
Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.