I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
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[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”
BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!
“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”
Friend: What do you like most about Adele?
Me: Have you seen her work/life balance? She works for 6 months then disappears for 5 years.
[explaining fingernails to an alien]
ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.
ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.
My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?
Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
#Thanos #MondayMood
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
Juliet: *Sees Romeo’s lifeless body* Eh, it was like 4 days.
Shakespeare: *From overhead* No, you’re distraught! You also want to kill yourself.
J: But, I’m only 13!
S: C’mon you agreed to this. You’re the lead!
J: Fine! *plunges dagger into heart*
– Shakespeare Pressure
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.
LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed
A co-worker is retiring, so they’re passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.
If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.
Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”
sometimes when I finish eating a bag of microwave popcorn I try to eat a couple unpopped kernels just to convince myself it’s really over
friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food
Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
As we lie in bed at 4am I know you’re looking at me thinking you’ve struck gold. Your hand reaches towards me and I slap it away from the cheese that just fell onto my chest.
“No” I shout through a mouthful of cold pizza “mine”
Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.
Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
if it wasn’t for the internet, I wouldn’t even know the royal family exists outside of Bugs Bunny cartoons. Like when Yosemite Sam is a knight in a suit of armor and he does that pole vault into the side of the castle and he turns into a can of tuna? Man that’s pretty great.
did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?