@MorganJ7

Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.

@NoogsCorner

To do list:nn1) Kill the fly in my room. nn2) Try to snort multivitamins.nn3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.nn4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.

@ilovepie84

I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.

@WetzelGeek

Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”

@pizzaguyjay

How do you know you’re allergic to cats if you don’t even eat them?

@grammar_c**t

“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”

@Boleyngirly

Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..

@grammar_c**t

Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?nnCos I think I just ran over a cyclist.

@AristotlesNZ

Watching Mickey’s Clubhouse with my 4yo and even he’s asking why the hell would a duck like Donald need a life jacket.