@vanderwangwe

The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!

@AristotlesNZ

Me: You put the “cow” in “coworker”
Her: Excuse me??
Me: It’s a joke format.
Her: I’m telling HR..
Me: Ok but I doubt they’ll get it either.

@Nickadoo

When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.

@megfraser

Inspired by Baby Jesus, I’m hoping to get nailed this weekend.

@shadygeekdad

Guys, when a woman is mad just tell her she’s overreacting. She’ll realize you’re right and calm right down.

@yoyoha

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times lets face it you’re a jerk and I’m stupid

@kelkulus

The coolest part of the bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.

@SveldtSmelt

Talking to women is a lot like origami. I don’t know where to start and I always end up screaming.

@ElizaBayne

Name brands really are better. For instance, I just found out that the Tide pen works much better on stains than regular pens