*performs CPR on the turkey*
You know when kids get a break at school and they go to the playground and they just run around and scream?
I think I should be allowed to do that in the car park at work
thanksgiving should be called feaster
Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.
I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that’s been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence
You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
Canadian Thanksgiving isn’t the same day as Thanksgiving in the US because Canadians already put gravy on everything every day.
Detective interviewing me about the murder of my friend: is there anyone who may have wanted to kill them ?
Me: yeah looks like it
Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.
A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids
Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
I am also baked goods