A man said to a woman on tv that she’s ”candy for the eyes” and immediately my stupid mind made a stupid joke that all the candy I ever consumed was instead ”candy for the thighs”, and then I thought tweet it, girl, tweet it real good! You’re welcome.
Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?
I received a survey for a conference I didn’t attend, so I completed it as if I had attended and the conference had been attacked by dragons.
*at the pot store*
Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin
4yo does not want to go to school anymore, she wants to be homeschooled
I told her I will homeschool her this week and then she will go back to school next week. She’s delighted!
(There is no school this week)
Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead
As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.
Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle
my wife: they don’t want you to bring anything to thanksgiving dinner
me, right in the middle of making turkey flavored ice cream: why not?
ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.
I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing
Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
I marked today on my calendar as “new client consultations” which was code for me having a day off because who wants a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving?!
Five. It appears 5 people want a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving.
