Hi, it’s me. The guy who was just complaining about it being to warm in November. You might think this would preclude me from *also* complaining about how cold it’s gotten now but I contain multitudes.
my 15 yo doesn’t understand why he gets diarrhea after he eats only Pepperoni sandwiches, ramen noodles and 37 pizza bagels every day. It’s a real damn mystery.
My 4-year-old Nephew told me a school friend gave him her address so he can go over for play dates.
The address:
I was just at my neighbors house with my kids and a bunch of other neighbor kids and the host asked a 3yo if she could get her anything and the girl goes “could you bake a pie?”
I’m delusional but self aware, I call that Delaware.
it’s soup season and this is my favorite soup
My 4yo’s teacher: He’s one of my model students.
Me [aghast]: My child?
Walking around the neighborhood trying to figure out where Amazon delivered my package this time is the self-checkout of online ordering
I got one brain cell left & it moves around my head like a windows screensaver
This morning, I held the door open for a woman and her entire entourage, and she didn’t even acknowledge me. So when she came out of the restroom with a panty liner stuck to the back of her dress, I returned the favor and didn’t acknowledge her either.
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
This guy is full of crap
-my colonoscopy doctor realizing that I didn’t do the pre-procedure cleanse
my powerpoints are getting increasingly desperate as the semester goes on
