I wish my hair had as much volume as my mouth.
Dude at the gym: whoa that’s a lot of weight
Me: [picking up my stack of bills again] yea man and that’s just this month
Deleting contacts from my phone is like getting rid of jeans that I delusionally think I’ll be able to fit again–
–what if I need to call my old Dairy Queen manager from high school about an important life dilemma? What if?!
I think we might have to review our policy on emotional support animals.
Kids are like magicians cause they make all the cups and chargers disappear.
WIFE: *on our wedding night* Don’t you think today was just perfect?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a Flintstones themed wedding but was told no] I yabba dabba do not Sharon, tbh.
best heckle of my life. I just did the setup to a joke and a drunk lady in the front shouts out “that’s too niche!”
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
Eating nothing but bacon for my keto diet because I wanna be thin in time for my heart attack
Sorry I brought an air horn to your colonoscopy.
I like to swear a lot so that people will keep their kids away from me.
Emojis are fun for when you want to express emotions using disembodied heads.
If I was a chef I’d be chefboyaredont.
Contrary to popular belief, you can’t see the Great Wall of China from space.
However, if you listen intently, you can hear my kids fighting over an iPad in Texas.