The other night I ordered a series of drinks so bizarre that the bartender earnestly asked “what’s going on with you”
*husband rolls his eyes then instantly regrets it
My brain:
Tracie don’t
Tracie don’t
Tracie don’t
Tracie don’t
Tracie don’t
Tracie don’tMe: burns his grilled cheese sandwich on both sides
How many pieces of chocolate is too many? Please say upwards of 27.
DO NOT PRE-ORDER. wait for the reviews!!
beavers are so funny why are you a little rat doing hydraulic engineering
Statistician here. I work on massive public datasets for multiple government departments, who must never find out that I remember the difference between the greater than > and less than < symbols by muttering under my breath “the crocodile eats the bigger number”.
baking when u live alone is like ok i had my fun now what do i do with 28 cookies
My boss looking around carefully before addressing the new student: There is no such thing…
*Looks around again*
As a stupid questionMe from under the desk: DOES A DRUNK CRAB WALK FORWARD?!
Boss: GODDAMIT!
I don’t believe him.
Eight minutes into dinner date and I’m out of knock knock jokes.
Kids today will never understand how many ninjas there were in the 1980s.