beginning to suspect my gf is only using me for my foot warming capabilities late at night
Life is getting worse in small but noticeable ways almost every day, but on the other hand, the quality and variety of the frozen pizza aisle has never been better.
Doctor’s visit today. They gave me a cute little light blue paper gown and I froze to death…
The good witch: are you a good witch or a bad witch?
Dorothy: I’ve never heard of a good witch.
TGW: the bad witches look old and ugly.
Dorothy: so…ummm…what are you trying to say?
I like to record the results and statistics of female tennis players.
I do this on a Steffi Graph.
I used to think popcorn poppers were only good for making popcorn. How right I was!
Ostracized? Buddy, why would I want to be turned into a bird that can’t fly?
me watching my own Instagram story
Don’t worry about your kids wanting to talk about sex, worry about your parents wanting to talk about politics
Kids are weird.
Got seated at a football game and my 8yo busted out two cucumbers and just started biting into them.
I got in trouble for taking pictures in a museum. They caught me with four paintings under my coat.
Every time I take out a sleeve of saltines, my dog suddenly awakens from her deep sleep and I gotta show her one so she can be like “oh yeah lol fuck that” and go right back to sleep
I will not defend the unsettling texture of my chili to you or anyone, madam.