Me: I’ve always wanted to stare at someone from across the street then disappear when a bus passes
Interviewer: I meant more like “professional goals”
He was only called Mr Pepper until he published his groundbreaking research on fizzics.
I’m writing a story about a guy who goes searching for parts to build a bookcase. It’s a journey of shelf discovery.
…No, YOU shut up.
my favorite gender
My son found me crying in the kitchen, wrapped his arms around me and whispered, “Is it because of your hair?” Now I’m crying for two reasons.
If I was a bartender, anytime someone asked for a drink I would say “Why don’t you take a pitcher, it’ll last longer.”
In a parallel universe, Mariah Carey is doing her shopping and is sick of hearing me on every store’s speaker system.
I received my electricity bill.
I think they billed me for sunlight, divine light, and the light at the end of the tunnel.
The real body count is how many people are in therapy because of you
A poet once gave
a pigeon helium, and
invented high coo.
If there’s no open mouth cougher on the plane they hold the flight until they can find one
[Arriving in Hell]
*Satan hands me a phone where every app has notifications but no matter how many times I try to clear them the red dots just won’t go away*
The most refreshing way to fight your personal demons is to make demonade.
Bought a gas station breakfast burrito and the cashier said “ good luck”
~ now I’m scared
I got fired from my job at the massage parlor.
No specific reason, apparently I just rub people the wrong way.