Come closer…..and let me just rest this pillow on your face.
We got our carpet cleaned today, so I’m just waiting for the dog to throw up
Thanks to my fear of the Duolingo owl, I’ve been practicing my French for 300 days!
host: name a famous tattoo artist
me: *buzzing in* abraham inkin
i hope all the people who have me blocked because i annoy them are mad as hell they have to read this shit again. hi.
Fun fact of the day: Hugh Hefner took so much viagra in his lifetime that his coffin lid still hasn’t closed all the way.
all of the other names pharrell tried to become known by are so bad it’s almost impressive
me: family! regale me with tales of your day!
5: good
2: yes
hubs: same
Note to self: just because it’s in the map app’s directions doesn’t mean the road is paved.
going to ask seven friends for advice and then execute my original plan
Crazy to think during a small window of time that Shaq was 5’2”
I’m going to tell people they’ve put on weight while handing them a plate of food, so I can be my mom for Halloween.
Just found $27 in my washing machine, it’s a bad day to be an Applebees happy hour
