Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
My family takes turns with who hosts Thanksgiving each year. When it was my cousin’s first time to host, she put the turkey in the oven, but forgot to turn the oven on. She was taken out of the hosting rotation. Brilliant.
psa: don’t ruin the thanksgiving meal by bringing up politics. ruin the meal by telling your family you don’t know half of them half as well as you should like and like less than half of them half as well as they deserve then vanishing while they try to figure out what you meant
My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.
Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
People think I’m being fancy when I wear a dress for the holiday but the joke’s on them because I’m about to absolutely smash like 20lbs of food and baby this thing is built not only for style but for COMFORT
I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.
I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.
We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.
I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.
my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect
If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.