Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions
My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Wife: Nothing would make me happier than a new car.
Me: Well if you’re sure. Nothing it is.
i do believe that bears are dangerous and anyone who thinks they can get close to one is very stupid. but i also think i am different and the bear would sense my loving spirit
My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big!
Me, quietly to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…
My kid: So have you!
Me: There it is
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled
hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life
You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding
technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting
give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.
Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.
Every place I have ever bought from is emailing me about holiday sales. It’s like, sorry, Advance Auto Parts, I will not be buying anyone a car battery for Christmas
so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota