The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
Did you know that if a unicorn and I were to race the unicorn would likely win cause unicorns are about as real as my desire to race anything?
You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.
Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…
Body: LOL.
If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
Dispatcher: 911. What’s your emergency?
Me: Help! I’m being held hostage in a downtown office building!
D: By who?
Me: This really angry man! 1460 Maple Avenue. Please hurry! He’s making me DO THINGS!
D: OK. Please stay on the line.
Me: I can’t. My coffee break’s almost over!
NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack
This is the dumbest apocalypse ever
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.