To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”
There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.
My kid’s wish list at age 6: An adorably misspelled handwritten request for toys
My kid’s wish list at age 14: A professionally designed slideshow with links to big-ticket items that ends with the phrase “open your hearts and your wallets”
Terrified to visit my girlfriend’s small town for the holidays because I’m a workaholic from a big city and everyone keeps trying to teach me the true meaning of Christmas.
My Boss: Are you with me so far?
Me *nodding* : Yes.
*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.
I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
I like doormats that say ‘Welcome’ but they don’t go far enough. I want a trail of doormats saying ‘Welcome’, ‘How was your journey?’, ‘Can I take your coat?’, ‘How’s the family?’, ‘Well, it’s getting late’ and ‘Thanks for coming’. Automate the whole process of entertaining.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.
I didn’t answer the door when my neighbor knocked because I didn’t feel like it, but then they started having a whole gathering outside and now I have to pretend I’m not home for probably another 2-3 hours.
I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.