Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.
Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
After speaking with the psychiatrist, I’ve learned that “hungry” is in fact NOT an emotion. So I’m in the market for a new psychiatrist.
CHRISTMAS FACT:
Baby Jesus actually received two blocks of gold on his birth, making him the first child in history to have an Au pair.
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister
Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)
husband: when is [5]’s birthday
me: same as your mom’s
husband: *blank stare*
I have a huge bruise on my face and a concussion, today my nurse friend asked if I was safe at home, considering I was home alone when this happened, the answer is no.
My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.
held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast
Hey, remember that terrible date who forgot their wallet and then ghosted you?
Well, LinkedIn thinks you should add this person to your network.