On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
friend: edible kick in?
me [washing my hands]: not yet
friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?
I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.
*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.
To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”
There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.
My kid’s wish list at age 6: An adorably misspelled handwritten request for toys
My kid’s wish list at age 14: A professionally designed slideshow with links to big-ticket items that ends with the phrase “open your hearts and your wallets”
Terrified to visit my girlfriend’s small town for the holidays because I’m a workaholic from a big city and everyone keeps trying to teach me the true meaning of Christmas.
My Boss: Are you with me so far?
Me *nodding* : Yes.
*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.
I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive