I like doormats that say ‘Welcome’ but they don’t go far enough. I want a trail of doormats saying ‘Welcome’, ‘How was your journey?’, ‘Can I take your coat?’, ‘How’s the family?’, ‘Well, it’s getting late’ and ‘Thanks for coming’. Automate the whole process of entertaining.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.
I didn’t answer the door when my neighbor knocked because I didn’t feel like it, but then they started having a whole gathering outside and now I have to pretend I’m not home for probably another 2-3 hours.
I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
There is a football player named Drew Sample?
He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.
sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory
Why are sports teams named after animals? Why can’t it be the Atlanta Cherry Blossoms… or the Denver Lettuce Wraps.. ?
Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?
the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling
