I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants
There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking
My seven year old just said, “I kinda want to experience being a dad but I kinda don’t want to get married” Should I ask him more questions.
Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?
My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.
My kid hasn’t finished her homework but she did call a family meeting to show us the 20 slide presentation she created on why we should get a cat.
WIFE: *on our wedding night* Today was just perfect, wasn’t it?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a falcon to burst out of the cake but was told no] Not really Sharon, tbh.
Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.
I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.
I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.